I’m not going to apologise for my absence. As much as it’s nice to have people read and enjoy my thoughts on things. This blog is really for me.
From a tender age I’ve always enjoyed keeping diaries. Not to say that I’ve had top-secret secrets that were for no ones eyes but mine. It’s just that, I enjoyed getting down my feelings in a mode that felt most comfortable when confiding in an actual person felt more like self sabotage. I know right ! Talk about anxiety!
So yeah, I often write when I don’t know what I think until I’ve read what I’ve said. Sometimes certain things won’t seem to make much sense when it’s bottled up and jumbled around in my head. Drawing together the dots is a lot more easier when there’s a page from which you can make the connections.
Today I want to write about my thoughts on graduating. It’s amazing to think that all my life up until now I’ve worked so hard to be in this position where I can stand and call myself a graduate. My journey here was far from easy. With multiple distractions, disappointments, self-doubt and discouragement. I’m proud to say “Thank you Jesus!” And “Mama I made it!”
I wanted to be a success story. One that was so eager to roll off my parents tongue. One that I myself would actually blow a trumpet to. One that graced all about me, such that favours from people fell at my feet. I’ve realised now one thing more than ever, I don’t want that kindof limelight. God forbid I loose the essence of what it means to be myself in hope of gaining other people’s approval.
Over the past few years I’ve battled internally about deleting my Instagram. The whole idea of posting about ones successes and the high parts of life has become quite toxic to me. This is nothing new of course, social media has this effect on lots of people. It subconsciously mounts pressure to be “great”, pressure to be like everyone else. I put great in quotations because I also have an issue with how society is increasingly defining what it means to be successful or to be great in life. (But I digress - a theme you’ll notice quite frequently in most of my work)
After exams I had the overwhelming relief of university being over and the feeling of ‘what’s next.’ It seemed like everyone had already secured themselves a great graduate position at a great firm. And would proceed to spend these remaining weeks having a great summer holiday, traveling the world and having great fun.
I began to panic because I quickly realised that I wasn’t as prepared for post graduation as everyone else had seemed. I wasn’t yet lucky in securing my great graduate job at a great firm, neither did I have the funds to spend my summer traveling to great cities and having great fun.
A month and some weeks had passed and I received my university degree results. This lowkey made my blues feel worse as I felt like I had more of a reason to panic about not being in the position that people of my “calibre” were at. I graduated and although It was nice to be surrounded by my loved ones, I think my brothers can testify to my inner stress I felt on that day. Everything went by soooooo quickly. Till today I don’t think I’ve even properly soaked it all in. Perhaps terrified in disguise is the brute caption of how I really got through the day.
I’m laughing as I write, not because any of this is funny but because I’m realising how gloomy this post is slowly sounding - which is lowkey not my intention 😅
And now for the swift revival- the eureka moment at which the reader gets the message. The bit that you take away as an inspiring read.
So yeah, post graduating I’m still feeling like time is escaping me. Like I’ve done well but there’s still a lot to do. And in some regard that’s perfectly normal. I’m ambitious at heart and like being constantly on the go. I naturally seek ways to be and do better. Yet, in the same token , I have to understand that every path is unique, every story different. My measure of success shouldn’t be based on somebody else’s.
(And whilst it is a good idea to have mentors to look up to, replicating their journey is entirely unnecessary. Mentors are to be used for guidance and inspiration. Again that’s my thoughts and possibly a topic for another discussion.)
These are nuggets of truth that are common knowledge, we’ve all been told them before. Yet, through no fault of our own, it is yet to sink in.
I must wake up every morning and believe for myself that I amenough. To appreciatehow far I’ve come and to enjoyeverything that I’ve already got going for myself.
So here’s to not knowing it all yet trusting in God anyways and living in the moment! 🥂
To my tomorrow self. Well done baby girl, you’re doing just great 😘
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